Adventure Time: A Jagger'd Ice King
by Ludwig von Zoil
Summary: After yet another foiled Princess Kidnapping, the Ice King goes the road to... fame?
1. Chapter 1

It was all a blur of blue and yellow.

Being dizzy was one of those strange feelings. It was mildly  
unpleasant, but it gave one of the world altering highs only  
associated with substance abuse. Also, its more fun to do it with a  
friend. While Jake steadily expanded, becoming more heavier, Finn  
would spin faster until a critical speed was reached. Then Jake would  
stretch and fling Finn. Being dizzy was fun. And being dizzy while  
flying was even more fun.

Except landing while dizzy was never fun. Unless you land on Cinnamon Bun.

"Finn! I'm so glad I found you! The Princess! She's been kidnapped by  
the Ice King!"


	2. Chapter 2

It is a little know fact that one of the Ice Kingdoms biggest exports  
is the cold. Wherever in the land of Ooo there was a shortage of cold,  
the Ice King was happy to supply - regardless if the customer wanted  
it or not. Thankfully, most of it melted before it arrived.  
Never-the-less, legions of snow golems worked diligently to fill the  
refrigerators with fresh ice for the woefully misguided operation. It  
was the only enterprise in Ooo that could boast a 100% failure rate.

Still, it did not stop CEO Petrikov from persevering in his misguided  
venture. Besides, chicks dig rich and powerful figures. He had the  
power and soon he would have the riches. If only he could figure out  
how to keep these stupid Ice Trucks from melting en route! Trucker  
golems looked at the Ice King balefully as he ranted at them.

"You were supposed to be there already! The desert kingdom was  
expecting Christmas months ago. How do you expect me to explain to  
them why they don't have any snow? Hmm?"

The golems shifted uncomfortably in a wet puddle of a melted truck.  
Besides being uncomfortable with the Ice King berating them for their  
stupidity, being a hot a mushy made them feel even worse.

One of the golems fell over and a grey head popped through his chest.  
There was low moaning sound of a voice that had been dead for a long  
time and had come back to life. The head pushed easily through the  
chest, snow trickling off his sodden black suit. More golems went down  
as the puddle as more voices were awoken.

It was the businessmen.

Unwittingly, the Ice King had dug up the businessmen from their  
iceberg, locked them in a freezer and had them defrosted on the way to  
the desert kingdom. Simon looked at them and they looked at the Ice  
King.

"Did someone say behind schedule?"

Burbled Red Tie helpfully. Distant memories awoken in Simon about  
these strange creatures called businessmen. Memories of skyscrapers  
and coffee. Memories of finances and ...

"Yeah, whatever" said the Ice King, completely boring himself and  
dismissing the entire situation out of hand. Something shiny in the  
distance caught his attention. Aha, Finn and Jake were trying to  
rescue Princess Bubblegum from his mountain. Darn! And he was just  
about to woo her with his riches. And he was gone, the melted truck  
and businessmen forgotten.


	3. Chapter 3

"Finn, Jake! Go get your own princess! This one is mine!" said the Ice  
King, firing ice blasts akimbo while flying through the air. He  
managed to miss every shot and provided Finn and Jake with cover from  
his haphazard ice missiles. This didn't stop him from laying down  
suppressing ice on everything that stood upright. "Ha Haha! Yeah! Come  
and get some!" said Simon, wildly freezing everything that moved.

"We need a distraction - grab Gunther and use him to distract him"  
Finn said, preparing to deliver his signature takedown of the Ice King  
- the flying kick. Jake snatched Gunther who protested with a "Quack".  
Waving him at the Ice King, he taunted "Hey Icy! I got Gunther..."  
Jake was able to say as the Ice King froze Gunther to his hands. Both  
him and Gunther fell backwards from the weight of the ice block.

But this was all that Finn needed. With amazing dexterity, he slid  
under a wave of ice bullet, flipped over the next one and planted his  
foot on Simon's forehead - clearing him from the floor. His crown  
bounced away, leaving a befuddled Ice King waving at Finn. "No fair.."  
he said as Jake broke the ice cube with Gunther inside on him. Jake  
started the count "One! Two! Ten! He's out!" Finn struck the pose,  
arms up, muscles bulging and the shout of triumph.

"Oh Finn - thank you for saving me, again." Said Princess Bubblegum.  
"No problem" Said the victorious Finn  
"How did you know so quickly? Usually I grab my day bag before he takes me.."  
"That's easy - Cinnamon Bun has a tracking collar attached to the Ice King's crown. He's on probation still.."

No further words were needed. PB gave Finn the kiss to the forehead  
and Finn turned to goo. "Let's get out of here guys" Jake said while  
wrapping himself around Finn and PB. Stretching out, they started the  
short trip back to the Candy Kingdom.


	4. Chapter 4

The Ice King awoke with PB in his arms. "Five more minutes, dear. Heh  
heh" But it only Gunther tickling him awake. Bitter disappointment  
flooded him and he howled in anger and disbelief - inadvertently  
curing the Desert Kingdom from his earlier drop of snowflakes. Flying  
into another one of his temper tantrums, his disbelief got the direct  
line to his mouth "No! No! No! NO! How could they do this to me?  
They're supposed to be my bros! Bros don't steal girls from other  
bros! Gah!" Simon went straight from disbelief to acceptance. In  
Gunther's assessment - the Ice King had a remarkable coping mechanism,  
able to persist even where others had long ago given it up as a bad  
job. Was he only stupidly persistent or intelligently tenacious? "Why  
doesn't Princess Bubblegum want to be with me?" he mused. What did  
Finn and Jake have that he didn't? "I'm much cooler than them! I'm so  
cool - I'm the Ice King, for glob's sake!"

What the Ice King was missing was the fact that the Businessmen were  
watching the entire show, shaking. Why was boss unhappy? Were they  
behind schedule? Fear seized them - they could be banished to the  
unemployment office! Red Tie, desperate to salvage the situation, laid  
his life on the line. Leaping forward, he threw himself at the feet of  
the Ice King.

"We will help prove Ice King's coolness!"

Ice King stopped his pacing and looked at Red Tie and saw the answer  
immediately. He needed to prove his coolness to all of Ooo! He could  
be the coolest Ninja - except that no-one could see him. Hmm. His eyes  
roamed his cavern. Then he saw it.

#1 Babe

It was one of those moments where history was made. Where all the  
pieces came together - the businessmen, the humiliation of losing PB,  
Gunter and his drums. The gauntlet of coolness was thrown. His  
Archduke of Coolness assassinated.

"We're going to start a band!"


	5. Chapter 5

It was Wednesday - jamming evening at Marlene. Finn had fixed his  
flute and Jake had his viola.

"I think I like the flute better than recorder. Besides, have you  
heard of a ninja playing a recorder?" argued Finn.  
"Not going disagree with that point buddy." Replied Jake  
"I just wish that it was easier to play. I mean, I can't play it if  
I'm nervous or anything.."  
"Its all practice. Practice and perseverance."  
"Wouldn't it be great if you play while beating up bad guys? It would  
be like theme music or something..."

Cue rustling in the forest.

"Bad guys!" shouted Finn. Jake started a beat-the-bad-guys theme. Finn  
lunged with his flute, the wind playing a tune as he charged forward.  
He struck something soft and white. "Quack!" shouted a surprised  
Gunther, falling off his ladder. Finn giggled at his easy victory and  
helped Gunther up. The penguin picked up his ladder, nails and hammer  
and trundled off - leaving Finn to admire his handiwork.

Hundreds and hundreds of posters.

!BATTLE OF THE BANDS!  
!FEATURING:!  
!THE JAGGED ICE KING!  
!ON SHOW AT THE CANDY KINGDOM!  
!BE THERE - OR ELSE!

Finn and Jake looked at each other. Then at the poster. And grinned.

"Do you know what time it is?"  
"It's Showtime!"


	6. Chapter 6

"No, no, no, no! The Ice King cannot play in the Candy Kingdom without  
my permission. It is simply not... proper." Said a flustered Princess  
Bubblegum. Marlene had floated with Finn and Jake to inform PB about  
the invasion. It would seem that all the PTSD of being kidnapped was  
finally surfacing. For one thing, there was no specific law she could  
call on to prevent him from coming if it was for a peaceable visit.  
That was the maddening bit. But she could always change that...

"Don't sweat it, Princess. No-one will come to his show anyway.  
Besides, why would he want to play against himself? There aren't any  
other bands here in Ooo. Right Finn?"

Finn was busy reading the poster again, looking for clues. "It says  
here that the proceeds will be donated to unprivileged Ice-Cream..."

PB mused about that. If that was the case, it was all alright with  
her. "But we can't let him win."

"Why do you think we're here, princess?" Asked Marlene, slowly  
completing a loop in midair.


	7. Chapter 7

The Ice King went over the song, humming the rhythm. The businessmen were remarkably quick learners but they had no soul. All that meant was that the Ice King would need to compensate. Gunther applied the final touch to his glossy suit, while he donned his shades. The rest of the Businessmen nervously tweaked their instruments and brushed their hair back.

"Guys! Gather around." Barked the Jagged Ice King, twirling his drumsticks. "I know you're all nervous. Look, even I am. But we better blow them away. So, follow my lead!" Four heads bobbed in unison. "Besides, there'll be no one to challenge us..."

"Quack!"

"I know! I know Gunther. Ready!?"

Again the heads bobbed.

The curtain rose to a tough crowd. The Ice King would have liked a roaring applause, or roses, but all he got was sullen tapped the mic.

"Quack. Quack, quack, quack!"

He bowed to the audience and gave the stage to the Ice King, who was in an advanced state of stage fright. Sub-consciously he peddled the drum. The deep vibrating boom reverberated, filling him with confidence.

"Ladies and Gentlemen. I am the Jagged Ice King and these are my Icicles. And tonight.." _beat beat beat_ "... we're rocking Candy Kingdom!"

Red Tie strummed his electric guitar to punctuate the last words. The Ice King did the countdown and then they started. It was a thumping rock melody. Blue Tie Bob strummed a rapid bass tune to Red Tie's chords, with Blue Tie Jones playing backup guitar . Blue Tie Smith was on the keyboard synth and Blue Tie James played the trumpet. It was an interesting cacophony and it had an undeniably raw indie feel. Red Tie and Blue Tie Jone provided the vocals to the Ice King's feelings.

_Sitting, reluctantly upon his throne  
The Ice King wonders at the world below  
His castle is empty, except for one thought  
Striving, driving him, on his way_

It was a poignant tale, that started subdued, in contrast to their opening. But now, the Ice King changed gears into a drum major that rippled through the crowd, with a hypnotic rhythm

_She said she'll always be mine!  
But she'll never love me  
I'm what's right for her  
I'm all the things she'll never have!_

_But one thing, coming from me  
To you  
We could be so much more!_

The trumpet wailed a solid sad note to the guitar riff and the Ice King's solid drumming performance, before fading out. The Ice King's hurt and angst he felt at all the princesses in his life melted away, finally being able to see them in perspective. And the audience even saw the Ice King from a different perspective. He was a rock god! No sooner had the last note played, the crowd wildly cheered the Ice King. Simon basked in the glow of approval and giggled stupidly. They started chanting:

"Ice King! Ice King! Ice King! Ice King..."

And beneath the visible surface of his mind something was stirring - the real answer to get a princess and what to do to be popular. Was it really so easy? All he needed to...

"Quack quack quack-quack" Burbled Gunther over the microphone.

"Wha.." began Simon, being pulled from his reverie and his podium of glory. He looked at Gunther for a explanation to his interruption. The second curtain was pulled aside and The Ice King narrowed his eyes. Finn the Human and his friends had arrived. The crowd effortless shifted their cheering from him to Finn, taking his glory as if it was his own! He gritted his teeth and felt a magazine of ice bolts lock into his hands. But, for once he held onto his cool.

Finn was grateful that the audience would have difficulty seeing that he was sweating at this distance. He had decided to abandon his flute at the last minute and had instead opted to simply be the vocalist. And second reason was that the Ice King didn't get boo'ed off the stage as everyone expected. And he had actually gave a performance worth cheering. He also was having second thoughts about that chocolate bar he had whorfed down before coming on stage.

"Quack quack. Quack." Gunther bowed again and left the stage to Finn and company.

"Hello everyone! We're here to defeat the Ice King with algebraic awesomesauce!" Said Finn in one breath. There was a short cooldown period as he got the next one ready: "One! Two! Three! Four!"

Princess Bubblegum set the beat, a thick electronica tone with her electric piano with Marceline providing the bass rhythm.

_Comin' up here, with a different idea_  
_Its not a miracle that you needed_  
_She's drifting away like an iceberg_  
_I'll be everything you need and more_

The music flowed and Finn's simple and touching vocal style was a breath of fresh air, compared to the Ice King's angst ridden drone. As they came to the chorus, Jake struck up with his viola - which PB had electrified, transforming it into a bow-played 4-stringed Rickenbacker for the chorus riff. Finn had forgotten most of the lyrics on the way and was freestyling it.

_You've _  
_got-to-be-more-than-just-there_  
_You're _  
_just-thinking, that's-just-what-you-do_  
_You'll _  
_just-never-know-how..._

Finn's stutter-stop had the crowd wiggling to the flow. And it was too much for the Ice King to bear. His crown seemed to glow ominously as he restrained the build-up of magical power, something which he wasn't used to doing. And wasn't particularly good at it either. And like a overweight kid doing a marathon, his self-control pulled its hamstring and hit the ground. Giving a hoarse shout he swept his drum set away with a mighty sweep of his arms, sending crashing aside. Finn, Jake and Marceline looked up in surprise. Around the Ice King, the air seemed to congeal as his latent deep-freeze abilities were coming to bear.

And then he drummed the pockets of subzero air...


	8. Chapter 8

The stage shook to the beat of the Ice King. For all the ice, there was a fire burning in his eyes. The businessmen didn't get the memo about CEO Petrikov. If they did, they would all be hiding in the nearest Xerox box.

However, it was nothing new to Finn and Jake who knew all the warning signs. Finn moved over to cover PB and Marceline, while Jake stretched out to flank him.

Except the Businessmen had formed up around the Ice King, following his lead, picking up their instruments and kicking over the stands. Blue Tie Smith had a problem walking and talking with his keyboard, but instead handled it like a melodica. The Ice King and the Businessmen squared off in front of the heros.

_This is the winter of my discontent_  
_Not a princess to be my bride!_  
_And you; because of Finn the Human_

The Ice King growled his ditty. The frost spread accross the stage as the Ice King remembered their injustices against him. It was all improvisition for the businessmen. Blue Tie Bob started strumming the bass tune. And a wave of ice bombs sprayed out, freezing Jake in a few places.

_You have been my joy and misery  
My bosom and friend  
I did not choose you and you did not choose me  
Why don't you want me to be happy_?

Blue Tie James trumpeted along with the Ice King, sending a freezing beam of ice at Finn. The hero boogied out of the way, with the beam trailing him and freezing over the curtains in the process. Finn thought the Ice King was taking the whole "battle of the bands" a bit too literally. But if Simon could do it, so could he!

"PB! Gimme a beat! Maximum power!"

Princess Bubblegum dialed down, concentrating all tone into the next notes she played. The first bass note was crack the ice. Finn pulled out his sword and struck a pose.

_Iiiiiice Kiiiiiiing  
With righteous rage  
and great anger  
prepare yourself  
Yeeeeeeeaahhhhh_!

Finn's sonic boom freed Jake from the ice and washed over the Businessmen, forcing them several steps back and messed-up their hair. Jake rejoined Finn while they all paused to comb their hair back into the solid black mass that was rated to survive a ballistic atmospheric re-entry. The Ice King's eyes were closed as he kept PB's hi-tech audio onslaught at bay with his drumbeat.

"Quack, quack!" announced Gunther as another penguin held up a round 2 sign to the audience. Gunther donned his flashproof goggles. "Quack!" he quacked before scuttling to safety...


	9. Chapter 9

A bird flew chirping through the air. Simon Petrikov felt a little better in the world around him. He gingerly touched the spot on his nose where Finn had kicked him - a reminder of his recent failure. It would have been nicer if he had actually won. Good times. But it was for a good cause. Hundreds of Snow Golems were hauling buckets of Ice Cream out the wells that dotted the Ice Kingdom. Maybe losing wasn't so bad - especially if benefitted business...

Finn and Jake were helping distribute the previously disadvantaged ice-cream to those that had none. Of course they also fell under that category. Three days later, both of them were hospitalized with acute brain-freeze.

Princess Bubblegum couldn't help but pity the old Ice King. He could be terribly sweet if he wanted to, but it would never work between the two of them. It was just a pity that she couldn't get him to understand. In the meantime, he at least kept things interesting and Finn out of trouble.

The five Businessmen were embedded in an ice wall in the Ice King's palace for their awful idea. And if you looked carefully, Red Tie expression was locked forever in one of, "Did we do good, boss?". Blue Tie Bob, who was second, had the expression of "Oh no, not again". It was the fate of most venture capitalists, either you went big or got deep frozen.

**Thanks for reading. To be honest, I kinda lost interest in the story myself. But I've got another one coming along. **


End file.
